Am I Doing Enough?

It's the question that I constantly ask as a mother. It's the question that I ask as a wife. It's the question that I ask as a daughter. Am I doing enough?

Last night, my three year old laid on the floor outside my mother's bathroom door and threw a tantrum. "No, don't take grandma to the bathroom. Don't get grandma ready for bed. I need you to hold me." Tears streamed down his cheeks. In my head, I knew that he had been held many times that day. In my head, I knew that his dad was just upstairs and could easily be the holder. In my head, I knew that it was a tantrum. But my heart yearned to pick him up and wipe his overtired tears away and lull him to sleep. And that's what would have happened 15 minutes later, if he hadn't fallen asleep waiting.

My mom generally sits in one of two chairs throughout the day. She only moves out of them when I move her. She spends much of the day alone. I get her up. I feed her. I keep her clean and safe. But so much of the day she sits while I am attending to lives that are on a constant move. I feel guilt about not spending more time with her, yet I remind myself that she barely acknowledges me when I am in the room with her. I feel like I should get her out more, but in our hot desert climate, we have to be out by 7 a.m. to beat the heat. That isn't going to happen. I guess I'll put off strolls in the park until the weather in more cooperative. In my head, I know I am meeting her needs. In my heart, I yearn to give her more quality of life. In my head, I know that she doesn't interact much with people even when they are present. In my heart, I want her to feel companionship; I don't want her to be alone. Am I doing enough? I hope so.

My husband needs time--time with me. He is patient. He is easy to put last in line. After all, he isn't lying on the floor outside the bathroom door throwing a tantrum. He can feed himself and clean himself. In my heart and mind, I know this one needs more time...that's why I asked him out on a date tonight. :)