My Children losing their Grandmother to Alzheimer's

There have been moments that scream louder than others that I am losing my mother and that my children are losing their grandmother.

Since my mom started to lose her speech early on in the disease, we often didn't know exactly what she was thinking. Shortly after my mom moved in with us, she looked at my second son and asked, "Now who are your parents? Where do you live?"  It floored all of us. Despite the decline that we had already witnessed, none of even questioned whether or not she knew who we were.Certainly, she hadn't gone that far, yet.  Although it shocked all of us, I think that it bothered my son that he was the one that she couldn't remember. It eventually moved to my third son, as well, and then to me.

Each of my children dealt with her differently.  My oldest, who happened to be the one that she remembered the longest, stopped engaging her much at all.  He had the most memories to lose, perhaps.  He had mowed her lawn for a couple of years. She had given him oboe lessons. He remembered her hiking and being active. Because he simply disengaged, I didn't realize the loss he was experiencing. I only clued in after reading an essay that he wrote about "something that was difficult in his life."  He candidly wrote about how hard it was to have his grandma move into our home and witness her decline.

My second son, the one that she forgot first, was gentle with her and made an effort to acknowledge her and to stop and talk to her.  One day I told him that it was a gift that he could still find ways to interact with her; some people are paralyzed into inaction when it comes to dealing with people in that kind of situation. He said, "Mom, it's hard for me, too. But I just make myself do it."

Son number three just didn't know what to say or do with her. Eventually, he has learned just to smile and nod his head. He is good about saying "hello" to her when he walks into the room.  He seems the least bothered by the situation. I wonder what he would say...I'll ask him.

My daughter who remembered fun play dates at Grandma's house became scared of my mom. It took a little training and coaching to help her feel comfortable around my mom. Now, (she's almost 9) after actively setting a goal to give Grandma a hug once a day, she likes to walk into the room and hug Grandma because it makes her smile. But the learning process is ongoing. Today, my daughter asked me, "Is it normal for Grandma to hold onto to my arm and not let go when I give her a hug." So a conversation opened up about how Grandma can't always control what her hands are doing.

And then there is my baby--currently, three years old.  He really doesn't know Grandma any other way.  He plays with her. He laughs with her. He fights with her. She is simply a part of his life. He is definitely the most comfortable around her--blessings of youth.